Going to the Big Not-So-Easy

Jeff, Asher, and I will be traveling to New Orleans tomorrow after school. Asher has a heart cath scheduled for 8:00 Tuesday morning at Ochsner Children's Health Center. The head of the pediatric cardiology unit will be doing the procedure, which does give me some peace of mind, but still... Handing Asher to the nurse and letting her walk away with him will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. No, I am not using hyperbole to get my point across. It WILL be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Asher has a VSD (ventricular septal defect). Children with Down syndrome are often born with cardiac problems, but we are very fortunate in that Asher's defect is the kind that lots of kids have. He has been seeing a pediatric cardiologist since he was just weeks old, getting EKGs and echo cardiograms, making sure that the VSD is not causing his heart to work too hard. We have always gotten good news, and nothing was any different during his last appointment, until one of the two readings that estimate the pressure on the right side of his heart came back too high. If the pressure is too high, the heart is working too hard, so Dr. Young said that he needs to perform a heart cath to get a definitive reading on the right heart pressure. I didn't take the news all that well, but Dr. Young told me that the risk associated with missing something was far greater than the risk associated with the heart cath. If this test shows that the right side pressure really is too high, then Asher will probably need open heart surgery to fix the VSD. I am believing that the news we receive on Tuesday will be good news.

We had a worship service tonight to celebrate what God is doing in our church. One of the songs we sang was "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman. As I sang that song, I became painfully aware that I didn't mean what I was singing. I can handle a financial crisis. I can handle a work crisis. But, when I thought about Asher's heart cath on Tuesday, I began to implore the Lord NOT to teach me anything through a crisis related to my children's health. I actually got a little scared that God was using that song to prepare me for something awful. I know it sounds ridiculous, but believe me, I was praying like never before while everyone else was singing. I really WANTED to be able to sing that song honestly, meaning every word, but when I sang, "You give and take away" and then pictured Asher being wheeled away to surgery, I realized that I don't mean it.

"Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I have also realized something else. Like most parents, I would die for my son or my daughters without hesitation, without thought, without explanation. I love them more than my own life. But, would I offer Asher's life to secure the salvation of someone who hated him, who cursed him, who would never accept him? My own life? Very doubtful. My son's life? NEVER. Yet, God did that for us, remember? He willingly made His Son to be sin for us so we could choose - or refuse - to have a relationship with Him. As much as I love my children, I cannot begin to comprehend that kind of sacrificial love.

On Tuesday I will remember that THAT is how much God loves Asher and His love will never change. Whatever the outcome, I will rejoice in the Lord because of His love for my son and His love for me. At least, that's what I really WANT to do...